What good is the Web if in this day and age I can't find any site to download the sound effect of a Star Trek phaser on overload? What good is it? None, I tell you. I searched high and low and found thousands of Star Trek sounds, but nowhere was a phaser on overload to be found.

I'm not much of a gearhead even though I've worked with computers my whole life (which means more at my age than it does for the class of '05). I am normally nonplussed by extraneous features on electronics. Whether it's a graphic equalizer on my stereo, a phone on my camera, or the bells and whistles on the latest model laptop. Last year's model is good enough for me.

In the Hi-Fi stereo world there is an inverse relationship between fidelity and the number of features as represented by buttons, switches, or knobs on a particular piece of equipment. More features equals lower quality and fewer features indicates higher quality. Generally speaking, anyway. If you go to Best Buy looking for a bookshelf stereo and pick-up Sharp's latest piece of shit for the masses, you will find that it is adorned with numerous buttons and cheezy LED displays. It will come with a 5-disc CD changer, 2-way ported speaker system, with X-Bass (tm) and an AM/FM tuner with 40 station presets. What the hell would anyone need with 40 station presets? All of this for $129.

If you go to your local hi-fi shop (in Seattle, you can't beat Hawthorne Stereo) and ask to hear their best equipment, the first thing you'll notice is that the Naim CD player only has buttons for power, play, FF, FR, prev track, and next track.The CD player plays just one cd at a time, but it does so very well. The speakers are made of wood and are quite inconspicuous. CD player and maybe a phonograph, amp, and speakers, that's all you need. No 24 band equalizer. No rack of intimidating black boxes with enough lights and buttons to impress a NASA engineer. Now, a top of the line Naim system will set you back about $3,000 or more. You have to pay to have all those worthless features removed. But my God, just listen to a system like Naim and you'll know why the cheap stereos are covered with flashing lights and superfluous buttons: to mask the wretched sound quality. (Seriously, go to a Hi-Fi store if you don't believe me.)

Like I said, I don't usually get excited about needless features. Take cell phones. I generally get the basic model that comes for free with my service plan and keep it until it stops working or I until I lose it (usually the latter). Partly this is to save money. But mainly it's because I figure the more features a gizmo has, the more likely is it that something can go wrong or break. Last year I dropped my basic model cell phone for the 28th time and broke the LED screen. It still worked o.k., but Janet surprised me with a Motorola razr for Christmas, something I'd never buy myself. It has a camera and a bunch of other whizbang features that I don't need, but it is so practical. It's thin and light but big enough that I can speak into the microphone while holding the speaker end to my ear. The reception is brilliant and the voice quality is excellent. However, I didn't have it long before I got drawn in by the really cool things I can do with it. I've only taken a couple of pictures with it, but the first one of Janet I use for my wallpaper, and it is very sweet to see her smiling at me whenever I pick up the phone. Then I downloaded old Atari games for it, including Asteroids. I'm having a hell of time keeping my little triangle out of harm's way with the phone's buttons, but I'm learning. It'll be great practice in case I ever do SMS with anyone.

It wasn't until I figured out how to transfer my own sounds to the phone that I really got hooked. It took me a lot longer than it should have to find the software that would let me hook the phone up to my computer; I think T-Mobile is actively concealing this information. It's easy enough once you know where to look. You need to download Motorola Phonetools. Of course, it comes with a lot of software I won't need, but now I can use any sound I want as a ringtone or alert.

Now, if I could just find the sound of a phaser on overload.